MentorWords

For my business blog today I wrote about a few characteristics of leadership, one of which is the ability to set aside concerns about whether you are approved of or not. This issue of approval getting is not just an issue for would-be leaders, however. It is an issue at the heart of many personal development struggles.

It is neither surprising nor bad that we seek the approval of others. Our earliest socialization training involves learning which behaviors lead to approval and praise, and which lead to embarrassment and pain. Every well-behaved four-year-old has learned to value the approval of others who are important to them.

By the time we reach adolescence, our search for approval is even more aggressive than it was in early childhood, though it may not look like it from the parents’ perspective. This is because the adolescent psyche reaches to the peer group for purposes of defining identity, and therefore, approval. What the peer group approves of may be quite different than what the parents expect. Yet peer approval is so important that most teenagers will risk parental frustration and censure in exchange.

Ideally we reach adulthood with a strong sense of identity and the commensurate ability to both meet societal expectations and follow our own moral compass. But what often remains is a niggling inner voice that constantly worries about whether or not our actions are being met with the approval of others. A more superficial representation of this problem is the worry about whether or not one is liked. Let’s face it; once we’ve spent 20-odd years achieving identity and socialization goals through the pursuit of approval, it’s kind of hard to expect that the desire for approval is simply going to evaporate.

As I said at the beginning of this article, the search for approval is not bad. But it can certainly get in the way. Most of us can put aside our desire to be liked when standing up for a significant moral issue. At those times it is easy to differentiate between those whose approval we seek and those whose approval would be meaningless or worse. But life presents us with a lot more ambiguity than clarity.

When the desire to be liked turns into a need to be liked, the variable of being liked enters into critical thinking. Let’s look at this in terms of decision making. Good decision making requires three categories of thought. The first category is the ability to define the problem, what you would like to be different, and what the effects of the problem are. The second category of thought is the consideration of the causes and effects of various solutions, and an ultimate choice of solution. A lot of decision-making consciousness ends at this second step, but in fact, our minds continue to process our decisions one step further. The third category of thought in decision making – a category which we should make conscious rather than unconscious – is the time during which we measure the impact of the decision. When one of the measurements of our decision is whether or not others will still like us once we have made the decision, that variable alone can undo all of the good thinking that came before.

When this occurs, self-esteem is damaged. I don’t subscribe to the love-thyself school of self-esteem. It doesn’t matter how many times you look yourself in the mirror and say “I love you,” or how often you write affirming phrases to yourself in a journal, because self-esteem does not come from those activities. Self esteem comes from the confidence that you are making good decisions most of the time, and that you are using consistent internalized guidance to do so. Self esteem comes from recognizing that your contribution to the world is meaningful, from believing you have had a more positive effect on others than negative, from the awareness that you consistently give your best effort to whatever you have agreed to do, and from the commitment to lifelong self-improvement.

Sometimes the most meaningful contribution we can make – or the better of two bad choices – also causes discomfort to, and therefore the disapproval of, others. Sometimes the choice we must make meets with disagreement, either because it conflicts with another’s self-interest, or because they see it from a different vantage point or embrace a different philosophy. Sometimes giving our best effort is perceived as a threat. It is entirely possible for two people to be right and yet disagree with one another completely. When these conditions occur, the need to be liked can interfere with the need to do the right thing. Loss of self esteem comes when we fail ourselves.

Of course, the good opinions of others matter to us, and they should. But our good opinion of ourselves, based on this criteria, is ultimately more important. People who are friends, respected colleagues, and even worthy rivals will continue to hold a respectful opinion of you when they see that you are being driven by the desire to do the right thing. So the next time you are struggling to make a good decision, achieve a personal growth goal, or persevere through a difficult situation, consider whether the desire for approval is getting in the way of your ability to be successful. It’s not an easy self-analysis to do, but it is a worthy one to practice until you get it right.

© 2009. Andrea M. Hill