(New) Lessons from Mom
For years I lived 1300 miles from my family, all of us turning into middle-aged adults and senior citizens without the benefit of watching one another go through the process. So when we moved back home I knew that a priority would be to spend as much time with my mom and dad as possible.
Which is difficult. Because at nearly 80 my dad is still riding his motorcycle across the country and my mom (at 70) is a computer networking whiz (and former psychology and theology teacher – go figure) running around downtown Chicago in her biker boots.
But last week I told my mom I’d spend the day driving her around, since she needed to do a number of jobs out in the suburbs and she doesn’t like to drive. Of course, she was working the whole time, which meant that her cell phone rang incessantly and she kept checking email. It was while listening to one of her conversations that I learned my latest lesson from mom.
She was speaking to an employee who was upset about an equipment delivery and training schedule. Mom told her (patiently) a few times to wait to set up the training until the equipment was running properly, and clearly the employee had difficulty with this instruction. Finally the employee raised her voice. I could see from mom’s face that she was a little exasperated. But then she did two things of interest. She visibly calmed herself – an action that showed in her face and shoulders – and she asked, “Nina, is there something else going on that I don’t know about that’s upsetting you?”
Immediately the conversation took a different direction. Nina confessed she had been approached about a higher paying job and had to consider it, mom encouraged her not to feel guilty about making decisions that were important for her life, and they both agreed to wait and talk when mom was in the office. Then, they resolved the equipment and training issue as the non-issue it had always been.
How many times have you been in a conversation that escalated into tension and you weren’t sure why? It’s very common to either think the escalation is because the other person is angry or irritated with us, or to become irritated with the other person because they are being emotional. But instead of becoming defensive or impatient, mom removed herself from the emotional game that was beginning to play out, then made an inquiry that demonstrated interest in and care for the other person.
Another lesson I learned from mom – this one probably 30 years ago – was “honey, it’s not always about you.” If everyone could master that lesson, there would be a lot less misunderstanding in the workplace (not to mention at home and everywhere else). Sudden inexplicable tension has only a 50::50 chance of being about the situation taking place. Chances are great that the person escalating the situation is upset about something else. If you take a deep breath, remove yourself from the emotion of the moment, and relax your muscles, there’s a good chance the drama can be dampened immediately.
Once you’re no longer emotionally involved, it’s easier to have empathy for the other person. That simple question asked by my mom, “is there something else going on that I don’t know about,” showed the other person respect while simultaneously letting them know they were not responding appropriately to the situation at hand. It was a powerful question I encourage you to steal for your own use (as I am planning to do).
As much as we aspire to be consummate professionals, we are all complex individuals who bring our entire selves to work. This is a good thing, because bringing less than our whole self to work would probably mean that the best parts – the creativity, compassion, excitement, and quirkiness – would get left behind at home. But the potential downside is that we also bring our worries about our mortgages, futures, love lives, and children.
So the next time someone is having a particularly human moment in the middle of a business environment, try following these steps. Take a deep breath. Relax your muscles. Then try to understand – really understand- the other person. Who knows – maybe they’ll turn around and do the same thing for you the next time you wake up on the wrong side of the bed.
(c) 2009. Andrea M. Hill
